The Secret I Never Wanted Anyone to Know: I'm Not Perfect

This might come as a shock to you, but I’m not perfect. In fact, I’m probably closer to deeply flawed. But I never wanted you to know that for certain. 

You see, I have these flaws—some of which you can actually see. I’m not remotely thin nor am I ever likely to truly be. My nose wants for some beauty, much like Amy March. I have acne-prone skin and oily hair. And that’s just externally. I also have ungenerous thoughts about people at times, a propensity for picky eating, and a tendency to gossip. 

Previously, I would have been terrified to tell you this. Too afraid that you might realize I’m not perfect, or even worse, realize I know I’m not perfect. As someone as deeply aware of her flaws as I am, you might be asking yourself, “Why did she think she was perfect?” The fact of the matter is that I thought I could be perfect one day. 

I’ve rationalized with myself that while you might see my double chin or visible belly line for a moment, I could distract you with styled hair, a pretty dress, and fancy manners just long enough for you to think, “She might not be perfect now, but she’s on her way to perfection.” It feels silly to say now, but it’s true: I thought I was tricking you, while I was really just tricking myself. 

I thought that if I read endless books on self improvement, enough advice and inspiration would enter my head that one day it would just click and I’d have the secret to being perfect. I’ve scavenged around for every book on living a beautiful life on Amazon, only to find that these delightful books are inspiring but are not a fairy dust to sprinkle on my life to suddenly become perfect after reading the last page. 

While I do see that I’ve used style and panache to try to hide my flaws, this is not to say that I plan no giving up mastering the art of the perfect blow out, my carefully curated dress collection, or my love of good manners. These are all activities and hobbies I love to read up on and infuse in my life. Instead, it’s simply that I realize I do not owe these things to anyone, particularly myself. 

The question of “What do we owe to each other?” has received a lot of attention after becoming the main topic of The Good Place. While I do not pretend to know the most profound and complete answer, I do think we owe it to each other to be kind and show up as the best possible version of ourselves that we can muster in that moment. My best possible version on some days is pajamas, a greasy ponytail, and a general aura of grumpiness. But as long as in that moment, I work past my inner grump and just be as kind and considerate to the person as possible, my lackluster self is more than okay.  

If you’re reading this I encourage you to loosen the facade of perfection you’ve been carefully wrapping around your life, and show it from the rooftops or admit quietly to yourself that you’re not perfect. Whatever you decide, I’m here to listen—leave a comment, send me an email, or DM on Instagram.