I've been trying to find my words for weeks. I couldn't explain why around the second week in October, I began feeling decidedly uninterested in life and retreating into myself. Nothing happened in October, nothing has really happened since. I'm still freelancing while looking into potential employment opportunities. My heart is still broken and I miss him like a phantom limb. I'm still going on a lot of walks with my dogs.
I think the weight of all that I've been going through finally caught up with me and my rose-colored glasses slipped from the bridge of my nose and shattered on the floor of reality. It's been hard. It still is hard. And it was harder still that until now I hadn't been able to find the words to describe these feelings.
When I'm writing, I feel like I'm my best self. Everything feels brighter and I can see all that I'm capable of. Writing makes me ambitious and strong, while at the same time muting personal dramas and making my problems seem small and insignificant. But when I couldn't figure out what to write, I felt like I lost part of my identity, leaving me increasingly listless.
As someone who dreams of making her career on writing, it was terrifying to be left without any drive or inner voice pushing me forward. But through a lot of aimless car rides and mindless activities, I was finally able to find my words. I've spent hours today trying to figure out how to explain this revelation, how I got to be wordless, and how I've recovered. I don't know that I have a good explanation, but I wanted to share what I've done so far to get back to who I am and what I plan to do moving forward.
What I've done:
- Donated the last item of my ex's that I held onto. He surprised me with a copy of Go Set A Watchman a few days after it came out. Not only was I touched by the gesture, but he also wrote a heartfelt inscription on the front title page. I held onto that book as my last bit of hope. I wasn't ready to get rid of his sweet sentiments when I first got rid of everything that reminded me of him, but I finally reached the point where I knew I needed to let go and happily gave the book to my local library.
- Practiced minimalism. I've always had a tendency to go on purges. I like nothing more than to root through my closet and get rid of everything I don't love wearing or isn't really my style. Recently, I've taken it a step forward and took a minimalistic approach to all my belongings. I threw away every file that I had hung onto for years without any good reason; I got rid of most of my knick-knacks. I even went so far as to throw away old dance trophies that I had from when I was a very little girl. I think that researching minimalism and using some of its principles in my life has been extraordinarily beneficial in helping me get over this bump. I plan on writing more about it in the future so stay tuned for info on practicing minimalism.
What I plan on doing:
- Dating. The best way to get over someone is to date someone new, no? Dating hasn't been my priority since breaking up despite spending most of life entirely too boy crazy for my own good. While I think that focusing on myself these past couple of months has been great and I plan on continuing to do so, I want to "get back out there." Now that I'm not holding onto pointless hope, I can move forward and hopefully meet someone new.
- Going out and having fun. My introvert side has really taken over and I haven't been out with friends much over the past few weeks. And I really think it's time to change that! I want to go out with my friends and have fun and a few drinks. Maybe dancing because you can never be sad when you're dancing! I truly just want to get out of my head and suck the marrow out of life.*
I think brighter days are ahead for me and I hope they are for you, too. Feel free to share any advice in the comments or tweet me your thoughts. I'd love to hear from you.
*My friend Alyssa got me hooked on iZombie and that's one of the phrases the main character has been using in the last few episodes I've watched. It's surprisingly good despite the kind of lame name and I'd recommend giving it a watch. And yes, I know it's originally from Walden.
Image Source: Tookapic